Nancy Pelosi Bans “Trump Coin”
After former President Donald Trump’s introduction of a new form of currency- the Trump Coin- House Speaker Nancy Pelosi pledges to ban the currency, stating it is ‘derogatory and insulting.’ The new coin is worth $0.68, and Trump said it is the perfect amount to “donate towards the wall.” The House is set to hold a discussion on the bill on March 32.
Pope Plans to Institute a New God After “Beating Up” Old God
Pope Francis reportedly “beat up” old god after getting into a disagreement over what the next animal’s name should be. It is reported that the old god is too injured to continue his duties and Pope Francis will appoint a new god. There are five candidates that the Pope is looking into appointing, all of them were checked for the pre-requisites: a silk toga, white hair and beard, and a 6/10 on the holiness test.
Billie Eilish Secretly Likes to Stick Her Fingers Into Electrical Outlets
A statement from Billie Eilish’s brother explains why Billie likes to stick her fingers into electrical outlets. “I heard a bang, then a pop, and smelled burning makeup” stated her brother, “I discovered that night that she loves to feel the rush of the electricity throughout her body, and does it every time she is home alone.” We have made attempts to contact Billie about this secret obsession, but she declined to provide a statement. We can only assume that her electricity provider sends nicotine through the walls, proving why she has an addiction. Nico & Tine Electric LLC has not responded for an interview. We hope the best for her friends and family.
Michael Jackson, 2Pac, and Elvis Found Partying In Brazil
Three fantastic musical artists were found partying in Brazil last weekend. The Onion had this to say: “We do not know how they were resurrected, but our assumption at this time is probably zombies.” Barstool Sports, the folk who took the photo, declined to explain how they found them. Attempts have been made to contact the three, but at this time no response has been heard. Sheryl Donyanome, a local, provided a statement about the three; “Iz kina strange whay a pop artist, a rapper ‘n a rocksta are out togeter, but I ain gon question dem, prolly ghosts! Or maybe even zombes!” Thank you Sheryl. We will update this story as we learn more.
UPDATE 03/18/21: We have not heard back from the three, but it is assumed that what we were seeing is a confirmed sighting of ghosts. Zak Bagins of Ghost Adventures is headed to the site to investigate and will be featuring a one-hour long special episode, expected to be packed full of paranormal activity.
New Study Shows Doubling-up on Socks Cause Lyme Disease
A study conducted by Harvaard University shows that doubling-up on the same brand of socks causes a 70% increase in risk of developing Lyme Disease in the next week. Everyone knows doubling-up on socks is a sin, but a new study conducted by Haarvard shows that it can also increase your risk for Lyme Disease. The two socks rubbing against each other provides the optimal temperature zone for the bacterium Borrelia burgdorferi to settle, which can then settle onto the skin and seep into the pores and start the development of Lyme disease. Symptoms may not appear for up to four weeks from the date of doubling-up, but we, and Harvaard University, strongly suggest to not double-up on socks ever, as Lyme disease will completely ruin your life.
(Please do not eat the onion. This is all satire. Photo sources: 1,2,3,4,5)